Inspirational Astronomy Fails

I have a feeling that the people who put together these supposedly inspirational word-picture-things-for-all-to-bask-in-on-the-internet don’t know anything about astronomy. Or physics. Or science. Or how life works at all.


Nope. Pretty sure they’re just stars. Lots of gassy gassy stars. Farting and combusting into the universe. 02

Actually, the stars ARE pretty damn far away, not just seemingly so. The closest star being the Sun is some 150 million kilometers away from the earth, but this varies since the whole “going around the sun in an orbit” thing. Also, stars aren’t alive. They have no feelings. They couldn’t give a rat’s derriere concerning their proximity to other objects.


What? No. There’s a sky full of stars because of the big bang and such. Long before humanity existed and projected their ignorance upwards.  It has nothing to do with wishes.

Heck, even if I believed in God, even God wouldn’t be all “Hey, let’s put tons of stars up in the sky so people can wish on them.” Because God wants you to be praying to God to make stuff happen, not stars. That’s what makes the whole “God” thing a God thing.


Stars don’t come and go. Stars have been here long before you came around, and will be here long after you are gone. That’s why a thousand plus years after the ancient Greeks did their whole mythology-stuff, we’re still looking at constellations like Orion and Pegasus. I guess it would be an apt analogy if one of your friends had fuel in them to create nuclear fission and existed for millions of years. Wait … is one of your friends the Highlander? That would be badass.


Aside from the whole “stars don’t actually make dreams come true” issue, here’s an idea: Don’t count on a guy to make all your dreams come true. Don’t especially count on one guy. Make your own goddamn dreams come true. That’s not a guy nor star’s burden to bear.

06What? How does this even begin to make sense? Let’s go back to the whole “stars aren’t sentient beings” thing and reapply it to that huge rocky crater that is the moon. No feelings. Also, even if the moon were alive and could have feelings who the smurf are you to say it would be lonely? Maybe the moon is a loner, and is all like “Thank the FSM those stupid humans have finally left me alone after I was contaminated by those astronauts.” Or maybe it’d just be all “Hah. Humans are funny. Sup Jupiter?”


Gas. Mainly helium and hydrogen. How about instead of wondering you pick up a book or do a quick search online.

09Actually, they can and do. Because when there isn’t darkness? That’s a star shining. Our big star, known as the sun. Shining. On us all. Until it goes bye-bye in a few billion years or so.

08 The moon is approximately 380,490 km from earth. As previously mentioned, the closet star is the sun and is approximately 150 million km away. You won’t be floating amongst the stars at all if you miss the moon. You’ll just be frozen and dead, probably orbiting around the earth. How’s that for inspirational?

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