(Guest blog post by Peter Damien)
My name is Peter Damien, and in light of recent holidays and events — such as a “video blog” which I will not elaborate on further — I have been asked to talk to you today about the True Story of Thanksgiving, which a lot of you foreigners don’t seem to know properly. I’m able to do this not only because I’m licensed to tell the True Story of Thanksgiving, but also through a special agreement between the President of the United States and the Canadian Moose-King.
Like most aspects of United States culture these days, nearly every country in the world knows about it, even if they don’t celebrate the same holidays. This is because we’re a bit like a neighbor who hasn’t got a clear understanding of personal space, so we will probably occupy your country and tell you about our holidays until you agree that they all make sense and sound like really good ideas. This has historically been the reason for the occupation of other countries. England, for example, used to occupy loads of places, largely because people all over the world were saying “What the hell is Guy Fawkes’ Night? Why are you celebrating someone trying to blow up your government? We– I– what?” So they came, occupied, told you all about it, and you were so charmed by their accent (which, in the past, was Michael Caine. Everyone sounded like Michael Caine all the time) that you agreed it sounded like a neat holiday.
But I digress, and I’m not licensed for that. I’m sorry.
THE TRUE STORY OF THANKSGIVING
Once Upon a Time, in the year 1492, there were some Pilgrims in England and they were sad because King Ferdinand and Queen Victoria were not being very nice to their quite reasonable pasttimes, and so they called their good friend Christopher Columbus who had a boat he had bought off his good friend Ferdinand Magellean. I know what you’re thinking and yes, frankly everybody was named Ferdinand back then whereas now? Almost no one is named Ferdinand, but lots of people are named Toby. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Anyway they called up Christopher Columbus and asked if he would take them in his boat, the Lusitania, across the Atlantic Ocean and to the United States, although it wasn’t called the United States just yet (spoilers!) it was still just called America.
So Christopher Columbus said “Sure!” and he got into his boat with all of his friends, the Pilgrims, and also his other friends, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Abraham Lincoln and they all sailed to America with a lot of turkeys and stuffing (which was used to fill holes in ship hulls, a use it is still put to now). The weather was really scary but they were all very good Christians and prayed to Baby Jesus for good weather.
When they got to America they found some Indians who were very nice and agreed to come over for dinner later on, but first the Pilgrims had to found a colony they called “Boston” and then founded another one they called “Plymouth” where they would build cars they decided just as soon as they knew what cars were (Spoilers!).
Later, the Indians came over and they all had a big feast because of the Pilgrims being hungry from all that sailing, and the Indians showed them beer which in the Indian language is called “budweiser” George Washington and everybody else were really super grateful to the Indians and they all lived very happily together for the rest of time without any problems whatsoever at all.
Later, after they gave thanks to Baby Jesus properly and then ate so much food that several of them had to be rolled away from the table like Katamari balls which they also didn’t know about yet because Japan wasn’t founded until 1942, approximately, anyway they all went to a big clearing where they invented a sport they called NASCAR. They had tried inventing football but failed to bring any criminals over and also they didn’t have very many helmets. NASCAR was very exciting and they all loved the unpredictable nature of the game — which way will the cars turn this time???? — although at the time they played it with Wagons and horses because frankly Plymouth was proving to be a real disappointment, and they were thinking of starting a different car-based town called Detroit, but they weren’t sure yet.
Later, there was a Thanksgiving parade which featured a marching band from every school in the area and gigantic balloons from every nearby business but since they had all just got there earlier that day, it didn’t take long.
George Washington and Christopher Columbus and Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln and all the Pilgrims and Indians loved Thanksgiving so much they all agreed that they should celebrate it every single year to thank Baby Jesus but they also decided that before next year, they should build some shops so they’d have something to do with the day after Thanksgiving.
Some time later, Canadians appeared from somewhere else or whatever and decided that because they had sailed over too — with their friend Cortez — that they should also have a Thanksgiving, or whatever, and it continues to this day and is, if we’re all being honest with ourselves…complete plagiarism. But that’s not for me to talk about, that’s between the President and the Moose-King.
And now you know the true story! It is 100% factual and I am licensed so you don’t even need to look anything up at all! Isn’t that nice?
Wait’ll you hear about Christmas…