(File this under: WHY DOES THIS NOT EXIST ALREADY?!?!?!)
The world is a hollow empty place because there has never been a Highlander* Christmas Special. I realized this today due to a combination of Christmas eating my brain and a friend posting Queen’s “Princes of the Universe“ video on Facebook.
Upon declaring that “There needs to be a Highlander Christmas Special.” (and after my coworker declared that that sentence has probably never been uttered by any human being ever throughout history) I leapt onto the internet to make sure my geekitude didn’t have a blind spot and somehow I hadn’t missed an epic special extra movie/show that involved immortals running around trying to behead each other with pointy sharp objects all while learning the true meaning of Christmas.
I mean, I’m sure there wasn’t one. I’m an uber-nerd who has seen all the movies and television series episodes. Multiple times.
Fact: I cried, cried I tell you, during that episode when Tessa died and Kansas’ “Dust in the Wind” starts to play, and I was all “Oh. Emm. Gee. That is so deep. Because us mortal people? We’re like dust. In the wind. But then there’s Duncan, he’s not dust. He just keeps living forever. He’s like the wind. Through my tree. He rights the night next to me…wait, no that’s not it. That’s not right at all. Damn you Swayze!”
Luckily, my geek-cred is still secure. There is no Highlander Christmas Special. The only thing close to it is some slash fanfic. If you know what that is, you know why I’m all “o.O” … If you don’t know what slash fanfic is, you’re a lucky human being. Trust me on this, you don’t want to know.
… You’re looking it up, aren’t you?
Fine. Don’t take my advice. But don’t come whining to me when you realize that there are things in this world that can’t be unlearned, because now you’ll just have to wait until humanity reaches a point of sci-fi dystopia where memories can be erased. That is what happens when people don’t listen to my advice. Now you know better.
Back to my main point: I request—nay demand—that a Highlander Christmas Special be made. Not just a regular Christmas television episode. I demand at minimum an hour-and-a-half long made-for-tv schlock Christmas Special.
I’m not asking it to be complicated or ground breaking. Like many Christmas specials, it could simply be a reworking of a well known Christmas classic, but with Highlander characters.
Like: “A Highlander Christmas Carol.” Duncan and/or Connor will meet some curmudgeonly old immortal who is greedy and has lost the spirit of Christmas in his heart. Somehow they flash back with him alongside the ghosts of past, present and future and BAM! A change of heart. And if not, BAM! Beheaded. Like a champ. Merry Christmas, Scrooge.
Or Duncan could go all George Bailey a la “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and be all brooding and deep and handsome and beauti … yeah… okay, I’m going to need a moment. We’d get to see what the world would be like if he had never existed. Lessons would be learned in a festive manner. And then there would be a beheading of an immortal fashioned after Henry F. Potter.
Or “A Highlander Christmas Story.” Richie with his tongue stuck to a metal pole. “I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model sword!” (pause) “You’ll poke your eye out, kid.” And then BAM! Beheading.
Surely there were immortals at the birth of Jesus. That has to be canon, right? Have Duncan, Connor and Richie time travel back to Bethlehem and somehow end up being the three wise men. And then BAM! An Immortal King Herod. Headless. IN HIS FACE.
What? Like we’re looking to Highlander for historical accuracy and realism? This is a series of movies and television shows with plot holes you could drive a trucking convoy through.
And that whole “Santa Claus” character? Obviously an immortal who has built up an ultimate base of awesome at the North Pole.
I’m not asking for much. I am a child of the 80s. I grew up watching ALF Christmas specials.
Fact: there is an ALF Christmas special where he ends up in a hospital and a kid dies from cancer. What kind of Christmas special has a kid dying from cancer? Worst. Christmas. Special. Ever.
And really, I own all the Highlander movies. ALL OF THEM. Even “The Source.” I have no sense of good taste or expectations for a high quality production.
Obviously there are some issues as the original actors are getting way too old to believably pull off the “I haven’t aged since I was first killed” thing. Which is why I need all you animators out there to get on board for this project.
I believe in you. Make this Christmas miracle happen. For me and the children.
*If you do not know what the Highlander series is, you are dead to me.