Important facts about my relationship with tea

  • Three tea bags all lined up in a rowMy absolute favourite kind of tea is Twinings English Breakfast.
  • Irish breakfast, Earl Grey and Lady Grey are also acceptable. Chai if you want to get fancy. Herbal if you want to eventually sleep. Orange Pekoe as a last resort.
  • Milk first in the cup, then tea. Any other way and you’re doing it wrong, and I will judge you for it.
  • I would most likely sell your mother out for a good cup of tea. Notice how I said your mother, not mine. I rather like my mom. She sends me tea.
  • My parents do not recall the first words I said as a child. So I will simply assume that instead of something silly like “mama” or “dada,” my first word was “tea.”
  • Tea understands my cheating ways when it comes to coffee. Tea accepts it, and always welcomes me back home after I stray.
  • I don’t have enough room in my designated “tea” cupboard for all the tea I own. No, I don’t have a problem. You do. By not having enough tea to fill more than one cupboard.
  • I like tea more than I like most people in the world. It’s up to you to decide if that means I think really highly of tea, or lowly of most people.
  • I do not remember my first cup of tea. So given my British heritage, I will simply assume that I was wet nursed on it.
  • My ancestors (as mentioned) were British and conquered a good chunk of the world in the name of tea (and some other things). It caused much suffering and pain which the world still hasn’t recovered from. Yeah, my ancestors were jerks.
  • One of my proudest Christmas moments growing up was saving enough money to order a teapot shaped like a florist’s shop for my mother. I ordered it through the Sears Catalogue with the help of a friend’s mom. She was to put it on her Sears Card, and I’d pay her cash. Sears ended up placing the order on my mom’s account. Thanks Sears.
  • I am saddened that I have never been able to properly recreate the green tea served at sushi restaurants. This haunts me.
  • You know those metal teapots they give you in restaurants? Whoever invented them hates tea. How else can you explain such a poorly designed device that causes spillage and tea-wastage with every use. No, I will not learn so-called “eye-hand coordination.” The fault is with the pots.
  • When I cross the border into the USA, I forget that their iced tea is different than Canadian iced tea. I accidentally order it in restaurants. Oh, and by “different” I mean “disgusting.”
  • My mugs have perma-tea stains.
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