That’s Not Love, That’s Creepy – “Help Me Rhonda” (iii)

Anyone who complains about the insipid nature of music today needs to take a good look back at the Beach Boys. Because… wow. Creepy.

For those who don’t know “Help Me Rhonda,” basically it’s a song about a guy going on about how his fiance ran off with another guy, and he’s heartbroken and everything, but hey, Rhonda, you look so fine. Would you help get me out of this wallowing self pity of a break up? It could be magical. AND THEN THE REST OF THE SONG IS JUST THEM REPEATING THE SAME LINE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHMUSICRAGE.

You know why your girl left you? Those awful, awful pants. That’s why.

This song is the Worst. Pick up. Line. Ever. It’s creepy. It’s basically saying to a girl: “You’re second best, but hey, you’ll do.”

Observation: when a dude starts pulling the “Wah wah wah, my girlfriend just broke up with me,” line, when that foghorn starts blowing, every single female starts to slowly inch away, avoiding eye-contact and trying not to make any sudden movements lest we attract the attention of post-breakup dude.

Maybe they’re trying to appeal to the so-called natural instinct that us women (apparently) have which makes us “squee” and tend a wounded animal back to health? I really don’t know.

The song also makes me feel extremely sad for any female named Rhonda out there. Imagine this song being sung to you anytime anyone wants your help, or by loved ones trying to be clever. It makes people singing “Peggy Sue” to me bearable.

In conclusion: The Beach Boys owe an apology to every single “Rhonda” in the world.

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