Young Woman Yells at Cloud

Dear Canadian Netflix,

I just … don’t …even. Yeah. No.

In true Canadian-style, I am writing you a polite passive-aggressive public letter to express my disappointment in the services you provide.

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend when it comes to the movies you have made available to us Canadian subscribers. No, I’m not complaining about horrible movie-crap like Nazis at the Centre of the Earth or rip-off cartoon versions of bigger movies like Brave. Or even rip-off movies of already shitty movies like Battleship.

After working up the courage to crawl out of bed yesterday, I thought to myself “Hey, I should curl up on my couch and watch some movies instead of facing the world.” It was in this quest that I noticed a few gaps in what you have available.

Soft kitty, Warm kitty, Little ball of fur. Happy kitty, Sleepy kitty, Purr, Purr, Purr.

For example, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader was available. Aka the third filmified version of C.S. Lewis’ Narnia books that are a blatant metaphor for Jesus although I didn’t catch on to that big point of the books when growing up because I was raised by wonderful heathen parents.

But there is no The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe available. Nor Prince Caspian. How am I supposed to be properly converted into worshiping a giant lion voiced by Liam Neeson?

Meanwhile, of all the Highlander movies that have been birthed into this world, the most logical one to have up on Netflix is the first one. Because it isn’t a horrific mess compared to pretty much every single other movie in the series. But no, not happening. The only Highlander movie available is Highlander: Endgame. That just makes my poor nerd brain weep.

And sure, I own all the Highlander movies on dvd because I am full of win, but to watch them would require like … walking five feet to my box of dvds that I have yet to unpack some 10 months after moving into this apartment. Also, I’m still all sorts of bitter over you taking down the Highlander television series. That’s cold, man.

It doesn’t end there.

Soft Mulder, Warm Mulder, Little ball of fur. Happy Mulder, Sleepy Mulder, Purr, Purr, Purr.

Because I’m awesome, I’ve been rewatching The X-Files. Except I come to the end of Season 5 and go “Hey, this is where the X-Files movie fits into the series. I should really watch that before I go on to Season 6 because it’s the whole big important plot point of how Mulder gets his faith back in the existence of aliens.

It’s kinda a big deal. But Is the X-Files movie available? Nope.

Netflix, you have 3: Ninjas Kick Back, and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain but not the original 3 Ninjas nor 3: Ninjas Knuckle Up. Look, when I’m curled up in a corner rocking back and forth filled with regrets over my life and trying to recapture my childhood by rewatching Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum, I want it done properly and in chronological order.

Resident Evil: Extinction and Resident Evil: Afterlife are available. Although if I die in a zombie apocalypse and it’s because the key to my survival was held somewhere in the first two movies that you haven’t made  available, well … let that be on your head, Netflix.

Sure you have Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, but not the original Breakin‘. Considering the nuance of 80s movies, I don’t think I’ll be able to grow to love and appreciate the characters in the second movie as they fight to stop the demolition of their community centre without  the first movie being available to me.

Scaley Snakey, Cold Snakey,: Little ball of skin. Happy snakey, Sleepy snakey,: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss.

There’s no Street Kings to go along with Street Kings 2. No Escape from New York to go with Escape from L.A.. No Speed to go with Speed 2. No Into the Blue to go with Into the Blue 2: The Reef.

There’s not even a Transformers or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen to go with Transformers: Dark of the Moon. I actually don’t know if that’s a problem, or if it’s more of a problem that Dark of the Moon exists at all. But here I am complaining, like an old man yelling at a cloud or talking to a chair.

I just want to be able to waste my life watching shitty movies in proper order. It satisfies my lonely, pathetic neurotic tendencies.

Instead you are destroying the magic of Hollywood.

Also, what day is it?

Sincerely,

A big fan of Tum Tum.

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One Response to Young Woman Yells at Cloud

  1. Duane says:

    I agree wholeheartedly! Love your examples mentioned. And a warning to the wise, do not watch Nazis at the Centre of the Earth. It is a mockbuster version of Iron Sky, in which, according to IMDB, Nazis set up a secret base on the moon in 1945 where they hide out and plan to return to power in 2018.

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