I has a scared.
Apparently my life is a lie. I’ve avoided most horror movies under the impression that I can’t handle them. (See my post on childhood traumatization). This was also reconfirmed when I couldn’t last five minutes into the Dawn of the Dead (new version) and had nightmares from Shaun of the Dead.
So I came up with the brilliant idea of having a horror movie marathon over the weekend to see how utterly messed up I would become and then documenting for the sake of this blog (And science!)
Unimpressed cat is unimpressed
Except after watching movie after movie after movie, I was not messed up. At all. If anything I was bored and cheering for the bad guys.
But just so I feel like I’ve accomplished something, here are summaries to each of the movies I watched.
The Last House on the Left (remake)
So I almost threw up at one point in the middle of the movie when the first girl was being murdered. Garrett Dillahunt seems like a lovely guy in real life. Also I giggled because … Jesse Pinkman. The whole movie is just normal people just doing awful things to each other which puts it less on a horror level and more on the suspense level — something I can handle without freaking out because that’s like every single episode of Criminal Minds, Numb3rs and so on.
See that knife you have? YOU USE IT TO STAB THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING TRYING TO KILL YOU.
I know this was supposed to be the original slasher film that started a long long line of slasher films etc. etc. and launched Jamie Lee Curtis’ career.
But all anyone talks about is how badass Michael Myers is, but he never does anything except creep. And when he finally does kill, and it’s completely expected and not surprising.
Then Jamie Lee Curtis’ character had two, count them TWO chances to stab the eff out of the bad guy until he definitely was completely dead and did she? No. She dropped the knife and wandered off and all that. Her character doesn’t even deserve to be alive if she’s that stupid.
Going into this, I thought it was going to be bad. Gore has always not be my forté. But I fell asleep midway through, because that’s how … engaging it is? The whole thing is just over glorified torture porn.
Dear Hollywood: I am totally up to the challenge of writing headlines for prop newspapers. Call me.
You know what I find scarier than bodies being hacked? The shitty headline writing when they do the pan-over of various news articles. Example recreation:
“This is a really important piece of
They put one word on its own line. So wrong. I am having nightmares that only someone who does newspaper layout can have.
Awww… lookit you Tim Curry. All clown-like and adorable.
Holy shit, it’s smoking man. And Jonathan Brandis. And Harry Anderson. And Tim Curry. I’m too busy being nostalgic for all these random actors to be scared.
This was one of those movies that freaked out all the kids my age growing up. But I’m not freaked out. I’m more amused at the production quality of it all. Also … glowing lights? Really? Oooo I’m so scared. Nice fail, King.
The Woman In Black
Look Harry Potter. I’m not falling for this melancholic ruse you’re putting on. Get back to Hogwarts and magicking. Also, I kinda cheated because I looked up the plot of this movie long ago so knew what was happened. Because that’s how I roll if I find something too slow.
Meh. Screaming weird faces. Weird chattering noises. Everyone gets screwed. Whee?
Not scary. Hilarious. Why is this filed under horror? Also. Kevin Bacon. With his perfectly feathered hair. I am jealous.
You sass him Kelly, you sass him good.
Nightmare on Elm Street (remake)
So I fell asleep midway through this one.
Friday the 13th (remake)
Meh. Boobs, boobs more boobs. And blood. I have my own. Do not care.
Freddy vs. Jason
The Hills Have Eyes
Well … at least the people are fighting back in this one instead of standing around playing stupid?
Creepy, thoughtful and the usual for Del Toro. But as usual, Del Toro can be counted on to have a morose but not freak-you-out-so you can’t sleep happyish ending.
Dawn of the Dead
My nemesis. I do not like zombies. I do not like zombies at all. Oh fuck zombies. WHY ARE YOU LIGHTING THEM ON FIRE? THEY JUST BECOME FLAMING ZOMBIES HURDLING TOWARDS YOU. OH GOD ZOMBIE BABY COMING OUT OF HER WOMB AGHAHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGH… … welp. I lasted through the whole movie. No nightmares at all either. Does this mean I’m cured?
Land of the Dead.
Theoretically, I should’ve been freaked out by this film because zombies. But no, I was not. I was actually cheering for the zombies because the humans were just assholes.
And then I gave up and went to watch The Swan Princess.
Because the gender tropes and BS found in most fairy tale movies are awful and scary?