Cycle of suck – away from home extended edition

momcycle

Image | Posted on May 31, 2013 by | Leave a comment

Stuff that should be worn.

Posted on May 23, 2013 by

Hey dear people, it’s time for some real talk about fashion.

The following items are ones I wish were considered normal every day wear for adults.
And I mean all adults — male, female, whatever — Because I feel really really sad about how society is all “No dudes, you can’t wear that because manly manliness.”

Tutus
tutuBecause they are light and fluffy and make me want to twirl and dance. And there’s nothing wrong with that, unless you live in a town like the one in Footloose. And Kevin Bacon sure did show that town. Tutus for ALL!

Superhero capes
capeWith your own logo. I don’t care what The Incredibles says, capes are always appropriate. Casual, comfy, but can also be dressed up for a special occasion. Also, in case of emergency I imagine that capes can be quite useful. Like for protecting oneself from bad weather, bandaging wounds, or impressing that cute person you’ve had an eye on with some mad cape twirling skills.

Kilts
braveheart
For those with Scottish blood in them to show off their heritage and pride. For those who aren’t, to allow for better air circulation and movement. Just, y’know, learn how to not sit with your legs wide open and we’ll all be good.

Gauntlets
fisticuffs
Because how awesome would it be to actually throw down the gauntlet when you need to fight? Not that I am advocating fisticuffs. Well, maybe a little.

Boas
boa3
Because they are fabulous. Don’t deny it. And when you get in a huff you can do that toss over the shoulder thing with a boa and stomp off in a way that just cannot be done when you don’t have one.

Jedi Robes, Star Trek Fleet uniforms, all various forms of cosplay, etc.
jediBecause badass. Obvs.

Colour
colour
You’re probably wondering why, amongst all the things I’ve listed so far, colour is included. It doesn’t seem way out there like a few other items. But also consider how many people you know who just stick to black, white, navy, khaki, beige and more black. Pastels are pushing it when it comes to entering the realm of colour. And yes, a few brave folk will wear a hot pink dress, but not many.

I figure it’s some sort of both sociological and psychological thing, where people are told they shouldn’t stand out, and should minimize themselves, and feel ridiculously self conscious if they are in a colour that could attract attention. Especially women, especially women with plumpness to them because BLACK IS SLIMMING AND WE MUST HIDE HOW FAT AN ASS IS FROM THE WORLD. Or something.

Eff that noise. Life is too short to hide and not wear colour.

SO MUCH GLITTER
glitter
BECAUSE SPARKLY AND SHINY AND OMG SO MUCH GLITTER I WANT TO BLOW MY NOSE AND HAVE GLITTER COME OUT.

Sneakers
sneakers
All the time. Everywhere. Snowstorms, black tie galas, weddings.
Self-explanatory.

Extreme fascinators
hat
Because who doesn’t want to wear a jaunty hat now and then? I consider it a travesty that fascinators don’t seem to appear on the scene except when us in North America decide something interesting is happening in England and then we’re all “dude, wtf is attached to their heads?“

And hey, for you idiots who WANT to wear something interesting and unique, it’s a way better choice than being a racist and wearing what you think is some version of a First Nation headdress. Just sayin’.

Posted in Fashion, Ranting | Leave a comment

The Cycle of Suck

cycleofsuck

Image | Posted on May 23, 2013 by | Leave a comment

Walls are super-ninjas

Posted on May 20, 2013 by

Look walls.
And door frames.
And cupboards.
And generally anything that has sharp pointy jabby corners.
Or … things that exist.

CUT IT OUT.

Look, I get that your time spent as an inanimate object is possibly dull and you’re probably just sick of all us “humans” flouncing and moving around freely. But does that mean you have to take it out on me?

I swear, walls, it’s like I’ve had a target painted on me from day one. Okay, maybe day 365 or whenever I started walking (I have no idea when this is. I would ask my parents by they can’t even seem to remember what my first word was, let alone when I started walking. Such is the second-born-child’s lot in life).

But ever since I gained mobility, you’ve played this awful little prank of just … jumping out in front of me.

I turn around and BAM! Face right in the wall. I try to walk through a door and the door frame decides to sneak a few inches sideways. Cupboard doors swing slightly left or right, depending on where they will connect with my head. Steps magically shift so I fall on my face while going up them.

Is this an Olympic-style game for all you random inanimate objects? Do you get extra points if you do it while I’m out in public? Or around snazzy people that I’m trying to impress?

It’s not like I don’t appreciate you walls. I do. You protect me from the awful elements of the Canadian winters, springs and all that. But so does the ceiling, and you don’t see the ceiling jumping down and attacking me. Most of the time. And let’s not get into that.

Yours truly,

Peggy

Posted in Neurotic Character Flaws, Ranting | Leave a comment

Caterpilling to success

Posted on May 18, 2013 by

imagesThere are three important lessons I have taken from the childhood literary classic, Eric Carle’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar:

ONE:  I just need to eat a lot and then have a nap and I will emerge a pretty butterfly

TWO: It doesn’t matter what sort of food I eat, or the nutritional value it holds, I will emerge a pretty butterfly.

THREE: Sure, food waste, pollution and proper disposal of garbage is an issue. And people around the world are starving — but I can nibble just one small hole through a piece of food and move on to the next piece of food. Why? BECAUSE I WILL EMERGE A PRETTY BUTTERFLY.

butterfly

HELLS YEAH BUTTERFLY ME.

Posted in Books, Facts, Random | 1 Comment

Permanent stupidity.

Posted on May 17, 2013 by

The most important thing to do on a holiday is to maim oneself for life. So that’s what I did.

tattoos

“Eppur si muove” — “And yet it moves” Words puportedly said by the great Galileo after being forced to recant his theory of heliocentrism by the inquisition. Okay, sure … there’s  no actual proof these words came out of his mouth, but it’s the sentiment that matters:

neil_degrasse_tyson_quoteThe truth is the truth. You can cover it up with bullshit religious ideas, dumbass textbooks touting ridiculous unproven crap like (un)intelligent design, you can order torture and inquisitions, force people to recant, you can turn a country into The Handmaid’s Tale. That doesn’t make your words the truth. The earth moves (and many other things also happen) whether you believe it or not.

And, well … as a person who writes, draws, makes music, beads, crafts, bakes, sews and so on — I don’t think the second tattoo really needs an explanation. It was either that or “REMEMBER TO BREATHE!”

Posted in Geekery, Random, Science!, unwork | Leave a comment

The magical dream story of the shit witch

Posted on May 15, 2013 by

sleepingpegOnce upon a time I had a dream. I’m not talking about a metaphorical dream, a la Martin Luther King’s speech. I mean an actual dream where I was asleep and dreaming of things that weirdos like myself dream of.

And in this dream, a  bunch of friends and I were wandering around a ginormous museum. There were dinosaurs, castles, knights, swords, cannons — all the awesome stuff that makes museums awesome in ways that only awesome geeks can appreciate because historical geekiness is awesome. And I don’t think I fit the word “awesome” enough into this paragraph, so: awesome awesome awesome awesome.

And then, as sometimes happens, it turned into an “I have to pee” dreams.

A number of you know what I’m talking about. The dream where you have to pee and therefore have to find a toilet.  Which turns into an epic quest that a therapist would have a field day with analyzing.

Because first of all, there’s the issue of even finding one. Every where you look, there’s no toilet. Even when you think you’ve found one, you’ll open the door and it’s a tiny pit where a toilet used to be.

If you’re lucky, you finally find a toilet.

pottyExcept, well … it’s out in the middle of a huge room populated by numerous people. So you’d have to pull down your pants and do your business in front of everyone. Or you find a stall, and as soon as you sit down, boom! Walls gone. People there. Your ass hanging out for all to see.

Fun fact: I have gotten over this version of the dream because at some point in time I was just all “OH TO HELL WITH IT, PEOPLE! THIS IS MY ASS! THIS IS MY ASS ON THE CAN!“

Or you do find a washroom, but the toilets are about as clean as a post-last call washroom at a cheap dance club.

But, great luck! In this particular dream I did find a washroom in the museum. The stalls were even clean! I may have frolicked and skipped between the stalls I was so happy I found them.

blahblahblahThen I saw her. A girl from my past who is/was an absolutely awful person. To encapsulate the extent of awful would take far too long, but to summarize: she was one of those “popular” people who thrived on drama. Often drama she created, all while proclaiming victimhood to her followers.

Even when she wasn’t instigating drama, she thrived on it, playing friend, listening to everyone’s ills, gobbling it up like it was her fuel. And while she portrayed this as being full of compassion for fellow people of the world, it just … wasn’t. There was just something rotten under the surface.

And this girl was totally hanging in my washroom dream. The moment she saw me, she ran over oh so excited, and greeted me with joy, as if I were her newest bestest best friend in the world. She invited me back to her place to hang out and talk and catch up on the good old days.

poopHer place was a small cottage, complete with greenery. Situated within the washroom.  In the middle of her “yard” was a cauldron, bubbling away, providing power and fuel for her house.

And then I noticed the washroom’s plumbing.All the lines were hooked up and led to this cauldron.

She was — as my dream brain dubbed — a shit witch. A person who takes your shit and then brews it for their own energy and uses.

I’m actually quite impressed with my dream brain for coming up with such a term.

My dream-self left and found my friends and ran away from the shit witch, all while laughing and having fun. She wasn’t impressed, and followed me outside trying to be friendly and talk.

So I turned to her, and at the top of my lungs bellowed “LEAVE. ME. ALONE!” She was left whimpering in the background of my dream, all sad and angry that she could not get my shit.

And when you think about it, it’s a good moral for either dreams or reality: Stay away from shit witches. Do not engage with shit witches. Tell shit witches to leave you alone. And then walk away and get the hell along with living your life.

Posted in advice, Facts, Random adventures, Ranting | 1 Comment

Pie Chart

Posted on May 15, 2013 by

I have a wacom tablet now. That means I can draw stuff. And things. And all sorts of … stuff. Here, I made this for you:

piechart

 

Posted in diagrams, Facts, Housekeeping, Random | Leave a comment

Steampunk Wonder Woman FTW

Posted on May 11, 2013 by

Oh why hello there, dear people who waste their times reading my blog. I’ve been rather busy over the past few months (hence my non-posting, also … I am lazy. Like a boss). But one project I’ve completed in that time was a steampunk Wonder Woman costume for the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo.

Fabric!

Fabric!

To begin with, I was lucky. Lucky in the sense of “Oh hey, I already have a red corset as my dear friend made me spend a few hundred dollars on a custom made one to be a bridesmaid at her wedding” lucky. I also lucked out in having a mediaeval dress pattern sitting around. Because, uh… who doesn’t have a mediaeval dress pattern just sitting around? I ALSO lucked out when visiting the fabric store by finding an awesome navy blue fabric with stars on it.

The luck ended when I took out my sewing machine to start working on the project and discovered that the tension button for the 30-year-old machine was completely shot. As in “the metal screw holding an extremely important part of the machine together was snapped in two places” completely shot. I ended up borrowing a friend’s sewing machine for two weeks — but had a deadline. As said friend also had to sew her matching Bat Girl steampunk costume. Motivation! It was there. There were other set backs though. Like cat:

JB the cat sitting on fabric

Y U want to sew my blanket up????

Eventually I finished up the dress and started in on the jacket. Considering in all past sewing adventures, armholes were my nemesis, I was pleasantly surprised at how easily this went together.

Poofy shoulder jacket

Poofy shoulder jacket

The real joy was the trimming. Why? Because I got this snazzy edging that while awesome and completely fitting for steampunk, needed to be sewn on by hand.

Jacket edging

That’s a lot of stitching.

On top of that, guess what also had to be handstitched? Oh just ALL OF THE GOLD RIBBON TRIM to transform my corset into a Wonder Woman style corset. There was a lot of netflix watched during this period in my life so I didn’t go bananas. Well, more bananas than I already am.

Wonder Woman Corset

Wonder Woman Corset

And then it was time to accessorize. Wonder Woman needed a lasso — so that meant a trip to the fabric store to buy golden curtain cord.

Lasso

I’m good with knots

A trip to the thrift store lead to the discovery of theses totes awesome earrings.

earrings

Pretty pretty pretty

Then there was what to put on my head. Sure I could go with a tiara/crown. But that doesn’t really seem steampunky. The logical thing to do was to have a small top hat fascinator. This is when years of being crafty paid off. Ribbon spool + cd spindle clear cd + hot glue + felt = awesome.

How to make a hat

How to make a hat

Look, I’ll be honest. At one point I totally glued my fingers together. And there was burning. But it was all for a good cause, because look at this pretty!!

Hat! Hat! Hat!

Hat! Hat! Hat!

Well, then there was also the dark blue netting to add. But in the end I even finished up everything way before the big weekend. Tah Dah!

Sexy mofos

Sexy mofos

Photobombed by a Nazgul

Photobombed by a Nazgul

Posted in Geekery, Random adventures | Leave a comment

I like my cat more than you. I’m not sorry about that.

Posted on January 31, 2013 by

I know there was that whole previous post about how my cat Jellybean is ridiculously disgusting and grosses me out. And yet? Despite his shortcomings I still like him more than most people. I probably like him more than you. Here are the top 10 reasons why:

10. My cat has low expectations of me. Food, water, shelter, snuggles, play and litter box changed. I CAN TOTALLY HANDLE THAT. Everyone else? Expectations. For example, people who I see on a daily basis expect me to remember their names. What kind of ridiculousness is that? My cat doesn’t expect me to remember his name. That would imply he responds to it.

9.  LOOK AT THAT BELLY! LOOK AT THAT BELLY!

Cat belly.

LOOK AT IT.

8. My cat doesn’t judge me if I walk around with no pants on. Or naked. He doesn’t care. He’s already there in no-pants land. Also? I can eat beans and fart til the cows come home. Does he care? No. You would.

7. He’s not racist. I’m not saying *you’re* racist. But really, you’re a human. You judge people and are probably an ass on some level over something stupid. My cat doesn’t hate based on religion, race and so on. He hates because he is cat.

cathate

6. He protects me from monsters at night. Do you? No. You don’t.

This is a reenactment. But holds true.

This is a reenactment.

5. Despite being a 15 pound male cat, my Jellybean loves playing with sparkly pink toys. My cat is not bound by silly cultural ideas about “gender.”

4. Moustache

You're jealous.

You’re jealous.

3. He cleans my kitchen floor by licking it. Now that’s dedication. You wouldn’t do that.

3. Once again … LOOK AT THAT BELLY! LOOK AT THAT BELLY!

Put your paws up in the air and wave em around like you're going to rip apart a hand when you get tired of a belly rub.

Put your paws in the air and wave em around like you’re going to rip apart a hand when you get tired of a belly rub.

1. My cat has never made me cry. People have. People are awful. People break your heart and let you down. Even the best people sometimes. Especially the worst people. The only time I’ve ever cried because of a cat has been when they get sick or old and have to be euthanized. So screw you people, I’m sticking with cats.

Posted in Facts, Random, Ranting | 1 Comment